Up & Down ♥

People always says that a relationship which can go through up and down is the one which can last. True, but how many relationship can actually last? People come and go, you wouldn't know whether you are compatible until you get in a relationship with that person, even best friend. I thought I would do well, I thought I can make it, I am certain that I can, I thought... You used to think that I'm the best among everyone you know, maybe you still think I am, and I think that you are the best among all, but does this means that we are compatible? I don't know anymore.

There used to be fight and downside in our relationship. When it is not too much, it enhance our mutual understanding; we understand why we fight, and mend the problem together. But as fights and arguments become more frequent, I start to just keep the problem to my own, and accept however it is. I start to not be myself, because I was afraid that what I said will affect your mood, and afraid of the reaction that you will give; I started to be very cautious. It's like walking on a field full of landmines, one step goes wrong, that's it, I'm hospitalized. As I become more cautious of my moves, the way I express my love somehow changed. I am not me anymore, or maybe I'm temporary not me, because I'm tired, tired of being so cautious. Love is suppose to be free, easy and happy, isn't it? But I'm constantly afraid of what you will reply. Sometimes I just don't know what reaction I should give. It's my fault, to give you so much love, and now it is getting lesser. I still love you, but I am tired of giving. I hope to receive also, I need love from you as well. I told you about this, but somehow, you don't understand my feeling, the feeling of needs of love. We expect each other to understand each other's feelings, but we are too focus on our own feeling and omitted each other's feelings. And since Uni started, I realized that I am not ready to commit in a relationship. I am getting busier, and have to assign time for you, I am willing to do that of course, but sometimes when fight and argument arises, it will takes a lot of time to settle, and due to that, I often not manage to catch up with syllabus, as my productivity is gradually affected by my mood. I didn't tell you this, because I don't want you to worry, I want you to stay happy, so I just bare everything. To catch up, I sleep less than 5 hours averagely per day, sometimes even stay up all night. But now, I think I'm already worn out. I need some rest, physically and mentally.

If you ask me, of course I still love you, it never change, just that I hope you can understand me, why am I becoming like this, instead of being negative and think of all sorts of 'I don't love you anymore' thingy. I just want to be loved, that's all. I'm tired now, too tired to move on. As for you, what will you do? Leave, or stay by my side, wait until I'm recover from fatigue, and walk the rest of the road together? It's totally up to you now, whether you have faith in me or not. Maybe you would analyse on how I am now, and predict how I will be in the future, which, of course, is a bad guy, and leave. But I'm fine. If you think I love you not enough, go on. I tried my best. I still hope you will stay of course. 

♥Lmw'

Guilt ♥

I was  thinking whether to post this in a social media network, like facebook or twitter or blog, cause I'm afraid that you will saw this. But now I don't care anymore ! I can't hold back any longer ! I will just post in on my blog ! And its even better if you read it ! 

Do you only care about yourself? Yea I know your stuffs are heavy, very heavy, but ask yourself, is it necessary to bring everything? I'm not sure whether you bring everything but to me, the amount you bring everyday is the same ! Either 2 hours a day or 5 hours a day, they are the same ! You can at least pack up don't bring those unnecessary ! And yea, I told you I can't make it on Sunday, you asked me why, and I answered you I have lunch with friend. YES MY VERY IMPORTANT FRIEND JUST FLIGHT BACK FROM SARAWAK OR SABAH I DONT EVEN REMEMBER ! And  I said I can't make it for assignment, that is due next week, and we left 2 paragraph. Okay, you want to finish it ASAP, so I suggested that we split our job, I do points, you retype, and I read again, if okay, then just use that, isn't this how we do during the last time we met and did the essay? And you tell me you don't think that will work. WHAT THE ACTUAL FXXK ! I don't know how it differs other than we have to speak about our opinions. 

And yea, other than lunch, I do have a date in the morning, Sunday morning, which is my once/twice a week jogging session with my important one. And just because you said something like 'So you expect me to carry my heavy laptop and books to school on Monday huh?', what you expect me to reply to that? 'Yea just effing bring the laptop !' OF COURSE I WON'T ! So I just go along with you. Fine. FINE ! And I get really really terribly pissed off. And because of this, I can't control my temper and throw tantrum on her. And this is not thing I should be blaming on you BUT if it wasn't that your princess attitude, things wouldn't turn out like this. And now? I don't know what I can do. I just feel guilty, and I feel like death is the only way I can get my forgiveness. Of course I won't commit suicide, it's just a paraphrase. But how would it be, to me? I have no idea. And if this is the end of me and her, because of it, then I will surely remember you forever. FOREVER. F.O.R.E.V.E.R.

And in 8 hours time, I'm gonna see your face. So now, let's wish that I would be able to control my temper, and not show my devilish face in front of you. Well, hiding the devilish face and intention is the evilest thing I can thought of. And gosh, I'm gonna pick you up tomorrow. Whadacrap. Wish I wouldn't crash the car together with you along my side. Wait, I wouldn't. I don't want to die beside you. I am actually quite good tempered, if you know me well. And to make me wanted to burst out to this extent, you did a fairly great job. So see you tomorrow, and I really hope that this will be the last time we work together, but of course, this won't be, as I'm in the same sub-com group with you. This sucks. *flips multiple tablesss*

As maybe a lot of you would interpret that I am blaming on her because of I threw tantrum on someone. Well, to think about it, if it wasn't her, I wouldn't loss my temper. Sorry to say, but she has done a lot of things that I would give the Jackie Chan meme (google it if you don't know), and I'm already at my limit. So yea, kinda hope you will find this on your own. I admit that I'm afraid to tell you face to face, as I'm afraid to see your reaction. I know you will have things to defend yourself. Well, the me now would not even listen a bit of it. Maybe you can wait after few months, like half a year. But I doubt that you will find this. To me, in my own opinion, you are quite self-centered. That's all. 

*deep breath, rage released*

*still in rage mode*

♥Lmw'

I Thought I Can ♥

It's been a long time since my last post. Ever since there is Twitter, I seldom post my things on blog anymore, as Twitter seems to be more convenient. However, it's also been a long time since I have the need to update my blog. 

Just started my Uni life, and met a lot of new friends. Everyone is nice, school is nice, everything is good. Gonna make more friends and study harder, since there is something I have to achieve. Those who say I'm kia su, well I wouldn't bare in mind, though it doesn't sound very nice. 

Went for movie with course-mates, 4 of us altogether, then bumped into another 3, so 7 of us, same movie. Should be a happy day, everyday should be happy, but no, not today. There is something that has been bothering me the whole day. Sorry that my mood swing, sorry if I make you all worry, although it is just little things, but I will need time to get use to it. 

The day before today, my significant others, or soul mate, since we aren't official yet, got informed that her appeal into public University was succeed. She is currently studying in another Uni, 2 months to finish her first year. After she knew she got into public University, she was indecisive, whether to enroll into public Uni. The course offered and the course taken by her is different, but she wanted a double degree. It is a good opportunity to get a degree in Public University at a cheaper price. After some discussion with her parents, she decided to take up the offer. And this means that she will be staying in the hostel provided. Since the University is not far, she will be back on every weekend. I thought I would be okay, I supported her decision, I still support her decision. 

But today, I feel really down, because she enrolled in the new University. Previously, when she was in her previous university, it is already very difficult for us to meet up, let alone lunch date, movie date. Just recently, after I get my schedule for my course, I found out that I'm free on Wednesday, and I can guide her, let her drive to school on that particular day every week, and have lunch break together. But no more, there will be no more lunch break. I don't own a car, it is impossible for me to go visit her on weekdays, even though I don't have class. So what's left will just be weekends jogging session. But since she only goes back once a week, she has to allocate more time for her parents. 

Last time, there will be chances that when she has no class, we sneak out and go on a movie, go for lunch, or just walk around. But now, there will be no more sneaking out. There will be no more dating, in the near future. Sigh.. And this keeps bringing me down today. I don't want to let her know how I feel now, because I don't want my emotion to affect her decision. As long as her decision is good, I will support her, stand by her side. I'm sorry, we promised to open up, but I don't want to burden you with my emotion, I'm sorry. 

I will have to get use to it, have to get along with it, have to live life that she is far away, though it is not that far, but to me, the impact of the changes is very very big. The more you care, the bigger the impact. It can't be helped. But don't worry, all I need is just time. We will surely able to continue and walk this through without problem, and get through everything. Have fun in new university, new environment, new friends. Take good care of yourself, I won't be able to watch over you anymore in the near future. Don't make me worry, that's all I ask for. All the best, stay happy. *hugss*

♥Lmw'