十二點

十二點，我告訴自己，只等到十二點。。。

     一整個下午，滿腦子只想著你。午餐跟同事吃過，就一起逛逛，抓精靈。走得累了，同事說要吃甜品，我們就去買了冰淇淋。我拍給你看，你說，你也想吃。懶惰的你，都睡到三點多，還要睡。四點左右，我便啟程去找你。給你傳了個信息，你倒是叫我別去，因為你要睡覺。哎，還真的是愛睡。我無所事事，變到附近的理髮店，剪個頭髮，過後去找你吃晚餐。腦子裡一直在想，晚餐後，就吃你想吃的冰淇淋，然後走走逛逛，打算再吃另一種冰淇淋（期待已久的哦），吃完就送你回家，多麼美好的計劃。
     然而，計劃往往不如與其進行。你說他約你出來，既然跟我出來了，公平起見是不是也應該跟他出？我崩潰了。我不懂如何形容我的心情。除了難受，還是難受。自己心愛的女人，要見宿敵，這個，怎樣處理啊？我不是你的誰，我能說什麼，什麼都不能。我不能不給。我也跟你說了，我會很難受，結果，你還是赴約了。他約你九點半，好，我們快快吃完，送你回家，好讓你能跟他出去。張熙博，你傻了，瘋了嗎？就這樣送她回家，然後讓她跟你宿敵見面？宿敵說有東西要跟她講，你還無動於衷嗎？你以為我想的啊！你以為我好受嗎！總之到最後，還是得給啊！我憑什麼不給？
     就這樣，我就送她回家。九點多到她家。以前的我，絕對會待在你家附近，等到你安全到家，我才回家。可是我想，沒事的，你有分寸的，反正你們去喝杯茶，喝不了多久的啦，沒事沒事，我先回家。對，我先回家，我要對自己好一點，我累了，我需要早點休息，明天還得上班。好，我回家。
     到家了，你說他還沒吃晚餐，好，那你陪她吃晚餐。我擔心，我吃醋，我要求你，他載你了跟我說一聲，到了吃東西地方跟我說一聲，回到家跟我說一聲，你說okay。好，我可以比較放心。十點，他來載你了，你告訴了我，好，謝謝你。十點半，奇怪，你們是去巴生吃宵夜嗎？我就信息你問問。你說他不想吃，所以就在你家附近的公園。他媽的，男的，你到底是什麼回事？又說吃晚餐，現在大半夜去公園幹什麼？！
     沒關係沒關係，不會到很遲的，我等！我等。我等。。。我等？等什麼？你叫我先睡，他有那麼多東西講，你那麼用心聽哦？我是什麼？我越來越不懂，我是什麼。你叫我別等，為什麼？要到一點嗎？你說不會啦。好，我等我等。等什麼？我都等到十二點了。我告訴自己，我等到十二點，就是了十二點。然後？你在那邊聆聽他的心事，誰來安撫我的心情？好難受，好難受。。。
     好了，十二點了，我覺得我應該睡覺了。等？等什麼？傻子，你哭啥，哭個屁，大男人一個，哭什麼！愛哭的男人沒有女人要的！振作點行嗎？幸好，還有部落格聆聽我的，不然，斃死了。謝謝你，沒人在的時候，你會陪我。好多了。晚安部落格~希望我能睡。。。

Up & Down ♥

People always says that a relationship which can go through up and down is the one which can last. True, but how many relationship can actually last? People come and go, you wouldn't know whether you are compatible until you get in a relationship with that person, even best friend. I thought I would do well, I thought I can make it, I am certain that I can, I thought... You used to think that I'm the best among everyone you know, maybe you still think I am, and I think that you are the best among all, but does this means that we are compatible? I don't know anymore.

There used to be fight and downside in our relationship. When it is not too much, it enhance our mutual understanding; we understand why we fight, and mend the problem together. But as fights and arguments become more frequent, I start to just keep the problem to my own, and accept however it is. I start to not be myself, because I was afraid that what I said will affect your mood, and afraid of the reaction that you will give; I started to be very cautious. It's like walking on a field full of landmines, one step goes wrong, that's it, I'm hospitalized. As I become more cautious of my moves, the way I express my love somehow changed. I am not me anymore, or maybe I'm temporary not me, because I'm tired, tired of being so cautious. Love is suppose to be free, easy and happy, isn't it? But I'm constantly afraid of what you will reply. Sometimes I just don't know what reaction I should give. It's my fault, to give you so much love, and now it is getting lesser. I still love you, but I am tired of giving. I hope to receive also, I need love from you as well. I told you about this, but somehow, you don't understand my feeling, the feeling of needs of love. We expect each other to understand each other's feelings, but we are too focus on our own feeling and omitted each other's feelings. And since Uni started, I realized that I am not ready to commit in a relationship. I am getting busier, and have to assign time for you, I am willing to do that of course, but sometimes when fight and argument arises, it will takes a lot of time to settle, and due to that, I often not manage to catch up with syllabus, as my productivity is gradually affected by my mood. I didn't tell you this, because I don't want you to worry, I want you to stay happy, so I just bare everything. To catch up, I sleep less than 5 hours averagely per day, sometimes even stay up all night. But now, I think I'm already worn out. I need some rest, physically and mentally.

If you ask me, of course I still love you, it never change, just that I hope you can understand me, why am I becoming like this, instead of being negative and think of all sorts of 'I don't love you anymore' thingy. I just want to be loved, that's all. I'm tired now, too tired to move on. As for you, what will you do? Leave, or stay by my side, wait until I'm recover from fatigue, and walk the rest of the road together? It's totally up to you now, whether you have faith in me or not. Maybe you would analyse on how I am now, and predict how I will be in the future, which, of course, is a bad guy, and leave. But I'm fine. If you think I love you not enough, go on. I tried my best. I still hope you will stay of course. 

♥Lmw'

Guilt ♥

I was  thinking whether to post this in a social media network, like facebook or twitter or blog, cause I'm afraid that you will saw this. But now I don't care anymore ! I can't hold back any longer ! I will just post in on my blog ! And its even better if you read it ! 

Do you only care about yourself? Yea I know your stuffs are heavy, very heavy, but ask yourself, is it necessary to bring everything? I'm not sure whether you bring everything but to me, the amount you bring everyday is the same ! Either 2 hours a day or 5 hours a day, they are the same ! You can at least pack up don't bring those unnecessary ! And yea, I told you I can't make it on Sunday, you asked me why, and I answered you I have lunch with friend. YES MY VERY IMPORTANT FRIEND JUST FLIGHT BACK FROM SARAWAK OR SABAH I DONT EVEN REMEMBER ! And  I said I can't make it for assignment, that is due next week, and we left 2 paragraph. Okay, you want to finish it ASAP, so I suggested that we split our job, I do points, you retype, and I read again, if okay, then just use that, isn't this how we do during the last time we met and did the essay? And you tell me you don't think that will work. WHAT THE ACTUAL FXXK ! I don't know how it differs other than we have to speak about our opinions. 

And yea, other than lunch, I do have a date in the morning, Sunday morning, which is my once/twice a week jogging session with my important one. And just because you said something like 'So you expect me to carry my heavy laptop and books to school on Monday huh?', what you expect me to reply to that? 'Yea just effing bring the laptop !' OF COURSE I WON'T ! So I just go along with you. Fine. FINE ! And I get really really terribly pissed off. And because of this, I can't control my temper and throw tantrum on her. And this is not thing I should be blaming on you BUT if it wasn't that your princess attitude, things wouldn't turn out like this. And now? I don't know what I can do. I just feel guilty, and I feel like death is the only way I can get my forgiveness. Of course I won't commit suicide, it's just a paraphrase. But how would it be, to me? I have no idea. And if this is the end of me and her, because of it, then I will surely remember you forever. FOREVER. F.O.R.E.V.E.R.

And in 8 hours time, I'm gonna see your face. So now, let's wish that I would be able to control my temper, and not show my devilish face in front of you. Well, hiding the devilish face and intention is the evilest thing I can thought of. And gosh, I'm gonna pick you up tomorrow. Whadacrap. Wish I wouldn't crash the car together with you along my side. Wait, I wouldn't. I don't want to die beside you. I am actually quite good tempered, if you know me well. And to make me wanted to burst out to this extent, you did a fairly great job. So see you tomorrow, and I really hope that this will be the last time we work together, but of course, this won't be, as I'm in the same sub-com group with you. This sucks. *flips multiple tablesss*

As maybe a lot of you would interpret that I am blaming on her because of I threw tantrum on someone. Well, to think about it, if it wasn't her, I wouldn't loss my temper. Sorry to say, but she has done a lot of things that I would give the Jackie Chan meme (google it if you don't know), and I'm already at my limit. So yea, kinda hope you will find this on your own. I admit that I'm afraid to tell you face to face, as I'm afraid to see your reaction. I know you will have things to defend yourself. Well, the me now would not even listen a bit of it. Maybe you can wait after few months, like half a year. But I doubt that you will find this. To me, in my own opinion, you are quite self-centered. That's all. 

*deep breath, rage released*

*still in rage mode*

♥Lmw'

I Thought I Can ♥

It's been a long time since my last post. Ever since there is Twitter, I seldom post my things on blog anymore, as Twitter seems to be more convenient. However, it's also been a long time since I have the need to update my blog. 

Just started my Uni life, and met a lot of new friends. Everyone is nice, school is nice, everything is good. Gonna make more friends and study harder, since there is something I have to achieve. Those who say I'm kia su, well I wouldn't bare in mind, though it doesn't sound very nice. 

Went for movie with course-mates, 4 of us altogether, then bumped into another 3, so 7 of us, same movie. Should be a happy day, everyday should be happy, but no, not today. There is something that has been bothering me the whole day. Sorry that my mood swing, sorry if I make you all worry, although it is just little things, but I will need time to get use to it. 

The day before today, my significant others, or soul mate, since we aren't official yet, got informed that her appeal into public University was succeed. She is currently studying in another Uni, 2 months to finish her first year. After she knew she got into public University, she was indecisive, whether to enroll into public Uni. The course offered and the course taken by her is different, but she wanted a double degree. It is a good opportunity to get a degree in Public University at a cheaper price. After some discussion with her parents, she decided to take up the offer. And this means that she will be staying in the hostel provided. Since the University is not far, she will be back on every weekend. I thought I would be okay, I supported her decision, I still support her decision. 

But today, I feel really down, because she enrolled in the new University. Previously, when she was in her previous university, it is already very difficult for us to meet up, let alone lunch date, movie date. Just recently, after I get my schedule for my course, I found out that I'm free on Wednesday, and I can guide her, let her drive to school on that particular day every week, and have lunch break together. But no more, there will be no more lunch break. I don't own a car, it is impossible for me to go visit her on weekdays, even though I don't have class. So what's left will just be weekends jogging session. But since she only goes back once a week, she has to allocate more time for her parents. 

Last time, there will be chances that when she has no class, we sneak out and go on a movie, go for lunch, or just walk around. But now, there will be no more sneaking out. There will be no more dating, in the near future. Sigh.. And this keeps bringing me down today. I don't want to let her know how I feel now, because I don't want my emotion to affect her decision. As long as her decision is good, I will support her, stand by her side. I'm sorry, we promised to open up, but I don't want to burden you with my emotion, I'm sorry. 

I will have to get use to it, have to get along with it, have to live life that she is far away, though it is not that far, but to me, the impact of the changes is very very big. The more you care, the bigger the impact. It can't be helped. But don't worry, all I need is just time. We will surely able to continue and walk this through without problem, and get through everything. Have fun in new university, new environment, new friends. Take good care of yourself, I won't be able to watch over you anymore in the near future. Don't make me worry, that's all I ask for. All the best, stay happy. *hugss*

♥Lmw'

Never Ending ♥

Yesterday was officially last day of my Form 6/Pre-U life. No more school uniform, no more waking up in the morning looking at the time and shout 'oh shit', no more day that I would have tons of friends around me everyday, and that's actually why I love school so much, I love you all my friends.
A slight intro about me, last year, I moved from Perak to Selangor, and got enrolled into this school. Pretty excited about it although this school can't be compare with my previous one. But there is one thing that this school is better than any place else, memories. It's my happiest school life I ever had.
I'm sorry if I didn't mention you over here, but if I did, means you really MEANT something to me, and I will never forget you no matter what.

First of all, the first person I've ever met, LeeTzeMint, she is my beloved daughter. I have no idea why, maybe is because she is just so tiny, so little, so vulnerable, makes me wanna go and protect her in a fatherly way perhaps.

I like to talk about how we first met, cause it's really really funny. At the bus stop, you approaches me, and I don't even know you are in the same class with me, sitting in front of me. And to be honest, I actually thought that you liked me last time, nothing to be shy of now HAHA ! And I remember how I always tell people around that you have the brightest smile I have ever seen, and there was once you got mad and don't talk to me, I still remember. I was so so sad, and miserable. But it's all good now hehes ;)

Secondly, comes the two siao kia, YewYenCheing and NgLiSyuen. Pretty yet the face doesn't match the personality(siao kia).

On the left, LSyuen, YCheing and Me :D

Remember how we got so close? It's because I was interested in the pretty girl, and I dumbed my friend and moved to the back. I'm sorry Sam, but you know, we are guys, I know you understand, after all you asked me to go for it. And in the end, guess what? I failed of course xD But one good thing is that, we became really really close friends, 3 of us are like glue, we always stick together. Thanks for all the time and happiness you've given me. YCheing, one thing I remember about you is that, you always ignore my text, so bad of you, not gonna reply you ASAP in the future if you text me ! LSyuen, I have to say thank you, you have taught me a lot of things, in the aspect of love. I've learnt a lot, really thank you very much :) And to both of you, once you get a daughter, immediately contact me ! If son then nahhh, forget it. Oh yea, forgot to mention that both of you taught me how to take stupid faces photos ! Couldn't do without you both haha !

And here comes another one guy, who was fat and cute, that has come muscular and handsome, make some noise for the lengzai EDWIN HEW ! *claps claps. Okay don't believe me? See it yourself then !

Selfie you took with my phone, will make a good use out of it :D

Told ya he is handsome ! I have no idea how we meet and get so close. And start taking stupid photos together. I really like you, you are cute, honest, sincere, handsome, not to mention about the woodness. Omgosh when only you going to make her your official gf ehh ehh? HAHA ! Wish you luck and all the best yar ! Keep in touch, don't you dare forgetting me ! 

More photos of me and Edwin.

 He accompany me back to my home town and we had FOOD ! We should do it again !

 Spin ma head spin it ! 

And here I present you... THE EQUATION !

Pretty much done with 3 person. Next is...hmm, maybe I should just follow how we sit in the class. ChowZiHuey ! I'm gonna pick your ugly photos, since you think all of your photos are ugly *evil laugh

It's your birthday ! And you look cute here :3

Forgot since when, I started to talk to you about my problem everytime I'm down and emo. And you were always there to listen to me, I'm really glad and happy about it. I tease you it's because you're nice to tease, and you wouldn't get angry, and when you look angry, you are very adorable and cute, and eventually make me wanna tease you even more. One of the stupidest person I've met, hope next time in the future we met, you will be less stupid ! Stay healthy, fat and adorable ! I think, you are the first girl I've cried on HAHA ! Sounds so weird xD Thanks for everything, thanks for being by my side and help me to hold an umbrella whenever it's rainy day, thanks for everything and thanks a lot :)

Another cute photo of ZHuey !

The next, The Untouchable LayYingSun ! You are as fierce as a tiger, nobody dares to defy you, but glad you didn't abuse your power. 

The face she gave when I put my hand around her waist. HAHAHA !

You are fierce, but I don't think you are, perhaps you are very kind, and vulnerable that's why you always look and act fierce haha. I still don't think you are fierce. One of my bi feng gang xD Thanks for letting me share my stories with you, and letting me sit beside you when I'm down and emo, thanks for listening to me, really appreciate those days :) And please please next time we have an outing, wear earrings and how me AHAHA ! I really love your earrings, it's so nice and look really really nice on you ! You should sleep earlier, cause your face look really cacat every time during school days. Don't stress up yourself too much :)

Hmm, who else? Oh yea, it's my MOM ! ChangWaiTeng ! And why is it you my mom again? I forgot. Doesn't matter xD

Graduation photo ! Cause I couldn't find others X(

Just realise that we don't really have a lot of photos together. X( 

Gonna take photo with you next time ! Remember when first we talk? You are so nice to talk to, and I told you a lot of my stories. There is always laughters around you, and you are active in participating a lot of functions and activities. Pretty and responsible, caring, keen to learn, Edwin, don't let her slip away ! AHAHA ! Okay I'm so gonna get beaten up, but I don't care ! Haha, hope the next time when I see you, he is officially my dad yar :P

Phew, it's quite long yar. And now it's the Three Musketeers, NgYiLing, LeeJingYi and LimXiaoShan ! They are always together !

 Me with a tall version of YLing.

A slightly taller JYi and me.

I don't have any photo with XiaoShan :( She is blur, cute and blur, and...still blur, is okay XiaoShan, you are blur but cute and adorable :)
YLing, Ling jie ahh, so sampat one, but it's nice to have her around. I was really amazed by your voice, you can sing really really well, and I like it a lot ! Sometimes you are over reacted on things, even a minor things. That makes you really cute haha.
JYi, I like to scare you, because no matter how, you will be scared. It's fun ! I loved dancing, but didn't get to participate in any performance last time, cause I don't know how to. Despite I'm a beginner, you still taught me how to dance kPop, though you always ended up very pek cek. I really love the moment we dance together, it was my happiest moment in my Pre-U life ! I really like to dance together with you, you be the guy, and I be the lady. Haha. Stay cute and adorable JYi ;)

And the last but not least, it's the person that brighten my form 6 life so much that I would not forget her, who is she? A girl from different school, yet we are so close as if we meet each other everyday. SiaoKia GohXinInn ! *whistleeee ~

Our first photo ! YAY !

We get closer thanks a lot to the PA assignment thingy haha ! Although I hate doing assignments, but really have to thanks to it that we are so close now. Coincidentally, we picked a very very similar title and objectives for our assignment. *Hi-5. And after that, I constantly disturb you, can share my feelings with you, and talks to you like no tomorrow. Even though at first you don't feel like talking to me, but due to my face thickness, I keep on finding you, and you don't have any other way other than replying me. MUAHAHA ! *evil face. And now we are here, talk about everything, laugh like siaokia together, we go search for foods around... Really feel glad to have you as my friend, you've given me a lot, more than I could as for, I will appreciate all you have given to me, thank you very much :')

 My prom date, best prom date I can ever ask for !

Finally, she graduated ! 

Time flies, and I hope you all enjoy reading this, sorry if you are not written here, because I'm too lazy to write everyone's, it took me 2 days to finish this post haha ! 

♥Lmw'

Repeat ♥

I'm starting to afraid, the same thing will happen again, the thing that happened... What's wrong? What's going on? Ugh.. 

Let it go naturally, don't need to put any effort, but if there is no effort, the likelihood of it to come true will be even lesser. Or is it I work too hard? Sigh, there are always things I don't understand. I'm insensitive. I think you feel the same, but is it really how I think? Deep inside you, do you thought the same also? Sigh, is it the same thing gonna happen once again? I'm certainly giving pressure... How can I learn to care less, but not totally ignore it? I wanted love not to be my first priority in my life. There are so many things out there, and love is at least 80% to me. Stupid huh. But this is me, I don't think this part of me will change soon. Maybe in 5 years, I won't see love as my priority again? Who knows. Seriously, they say 'love need courage', yea, you need a lot of courage to love, to endure the pain, to accept failure, and finally, to give everything without wishing anything in return. What is love, and why we need love? Why I will feel sad often because of love? I still don't get it, love... I told you that I'll stay happy, won't think too much, won't expect too much, but, I think I failed, I'm sorry. Maybe in few weeks, I'll get use to this situation. Maybe... It's always me that think too much, I wonder what my brain is made of, full of imaginations, false hopes, wrong assumption, idiot... It's really not easy to find a lifetime partner. All I wanna do is love right. Let it go naturally, don't need to put any effort, in the end, it will slip away, you can't just let it go naturally if you cared you know. It doesn't work that way. It's like baking cookies, you need to prepare a good dough from good flour, egg, and everything. Maybe add some chocolate chips if you like chocolate, some raisins, some cinnamon, just kidding, cinnamon doesn't goes with everything. After that, a shape that you desire. And now, most importantly, the duration and the temperature. You can't bake too long, or too short in time, you can't use too high, or too low in temperature, it must be exactly the right temperature and duration in order to come out with an excellent cookie and finally, you get to enjoy. You don't let it go naturally, you put enough amount of effort, not too much, not too less. It's not easy, but I just don't want to stop trying. I would give my everything. Making a good dough, baking a good cookie without a recipe is extremely hard, but that won't stop me from trying. I fail, I will try again, and again, until I out of ingredients, and I'll get some in the market, until I'm out of cash. I don't wanna let it go naturally, but I would try to put less effort than previous, I don't wanna ruin this friendship. I want it to blossom into love, someday in the future, I want to see it blossom...

♥Lmw'

Re:慧慧的心02092013 ♥

多少年了？你坚持了那么久，到头来得到的是什么？一颗伤痕累累的心，一堆充满希望的绝望，一些些错过的人。到底值得吗？你那么痴心，痴情，可是你自己最清楚的，这一切都是徒劳的，你比谁都清楚。你说放不下，是因为你还没遇见可以让你放开他的人。即使你遇见了，你也看不见，你已经伤得就连路都看不清了，更何况是看人？路过的人很想把跌到的你牵起来，你却不领情，一直在等待那个他，希望他能扶你一把。你还没死去，你的心还在跳，虽然是伤痕累累，不过你还是可以站起来的。不要再靠他了，不要再等他了。如果要，你就站起来找他，有什么想说，就说，这是你可以放开他的方法。不要骗自己，一路以来你都放不开的，告诉我们你已经慢慢放下是为了不让我们担心吧。你的好意，心领了。我们认识不久，不过你已经帮了我很多很多忙。在我低潮的时候，你总会帮助我，现在，是时候到我来帮你了。若你没有勇气找他，我给你勇气，我为你加油，我借你我的肩膀，我让你有个依靠，直到你真真的能放下他，直到你的眼泪不是在为他而落。只有面对你的过去，只有战胜你的过去，你才能放下他，而不是找到对的人才可以放下的。我也经历过的。没有别人能让你放下一个人，只有你自己能。加油，慧慧的心！你很坚强，比我还要坚强，如果我可以做到，你也一定可以！有事的话，找人谈谈，不要自己一个躲着想多多。暴风雨时，总有个地方可以遮遮雨，挡挡风，可是那地方不会动，即使它在意你，也不会去你那边，只有你自己才可以走去找那避风港。避风港在哪儿？问你自己吧，因为每个人的避风港都不一样，只要让你觉得安全，觉得舒服，那怕是那么一点点的温柔，也可以算是你的避风港。那点温柔，已经在燃烧了，在等待着，慧慧的心，去找吧，你的避风港！

♥Lmw'

The End, The Beginning ♥

It's been so long, I haven't been updating my blog. My blog was always about love, about you, nothing more, but love story of mine. Once, I started writing my love story, and now, I think it comes to an end.

*play the song Lawson - Standing In The Dark http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsbPkZPKEuY

This guy met the girl he loved, he never thought of anything, but keep giving everything he can, just trying to get her love, make her feel the same way. After some time, this guy started to doubt, to question, why is it everything he did not touching her? What's wrong? He started to changed, become more depressed, totally lost himself. Somehow, he still never figure out what's going wrong.
One day, this guy finally figured out what's wrong, thanks to his friend that always tell him about life perspectives and open up his mind, wake him from his dream and make him face the reality. He finally see wider, clearer. It's him, that's the problem. Problem never exist, he created them. Things were going well, until he start to doubt himself, doubt everything around him, then he changed, that makes everything around it changed. He never realise why is everything around it changing, however, it is his perspective and him that changed. Luckily, he realised it. So, what's wrong? What he thought was getting his love one his girlfriend, wanting to hold her, wanting to get her, and there, it went wrong. He never love her, he love himself, he is so selfish, he is the worst. Love her doesn't mean to get her, love her is to make her happy, do the best to make her happy. That guy gave his everything to protect her, over protective. Little did he know, protection is not what she needs. He don't even know what she needs at the first place, he don't understand her. He never aimed to make her happy, he aimed to get her, what a fool. He backed off, decided to do what's the best for her, do things that will make her comfortable, make her happy, make her smile. And then, he putted her down, he got over it.
After not even a week, there was a stranger that called him up. The stranger knew his name, his school, and his crush. The stranger told him that his crush was his friend. He told him that he is giving pressure to her, she felt bothered. The stranger requested him to change the way he treat her, don't pressure her. Yea, he already gave up, he already put down, yet he feels hurt. Old wounds, it doesn't heal so soon. Backing off, this is the way he can show his love, and slowly, time will wash away the feelings, what remains will be only black and white memories, just simply memories, nothing else, no love, no feel. What the stranger did, that is called love, caring, suitable level of protection. Stranger, I admire you, thanks for calling me up to tell me about her feelings, thank you.
Not every story has a happy ending, but through all these stories, I get to learn new stuffs, new things, and grow up.
It's the end of the story, the beginning of a new story or is it just to-be-continue?

♥Lmw'

Path To The End ♥

Everything, needs to have an ending, no matter it's the ending you desire, or the one that is worst for you. After all, ourself, is the one who choose, how it ends. Of course, ending in the way you desire, is way more tougher. So, are you determine enough to keep holding on and going? Wish you all, those who have a goal, good luck. As for me, I've choose an easier path, to end it.

I think, now should be the time to end this quick, before I get deeper and deeper, finally unable to breath. I'll try to forget you, my love one. I'll see you as my friend, my love one. I'll never ever dream about getting with you again, my love one.

Trying to forget my love one, it's like rewinding the memories. I'm walking backwards, looking at how happy I were when you're around, all the things you've said to me, how much I've ever cared about you, all the things I precious about you... Looking back at these, it makes me sad. Forgetting you as my love one, but can't forget that how much I loved you; pretending that I don't care about you, but can't help caring about you, it has became a habit; trying to moved my eyes off you, but can't control myself from peeking at you. Why? Why must it ends like this? I wanted to let go, but I'm not willing to, I want a reason to move on, to reach my goal, to reach you, but I can't find it everywhere. Can you give me that reason, before I threw away everything? Can you, please? If you feel the same for me, please, do me a favour, please, give me a reason, even maybe for you, the reason weight a feather, but for me, it worth my life...

Please...

♥Lmw'

Wished, Dreamed, Fated ♥

Wished:
Ever since I fell for you, I only go deeper and deeper. Every moment, I wanted to see you, wanted to talk with you. I like school, because there is the place that I'll have the chance to meet you, and talk to you. I like school, because there is the place, I can spend most of my time with you. I like school, because I love you. And as I fall even deeper, I can't turn back. Everything I see, everything in my mind, is you. My brain is always occupied by you. And then I wish, you would be my girl, you would be my dream, you would be my one and only...

Dreamed:
I've always been thinking, if I have an opportunity to hold you tight, I would do so, and hold you as tight as possible, leave no gap between our fingers, nothing can pass through, not even air. I've always been thinking, if I have an opportunity to let you stay in my heart, I would do so, and let you feel the warmness I can give to you when you're cold, the cool wind blowing when you're hot, I would do so. I've always been thinking, if I have an opportunity to be there when you need someone, I would do so, and let you lay on my shoulder and rest, although it's still stiff, but it will hold your head no matter how heavy it is, no matter how long you need, I would do so. I've always been thinking, if I have a smile that will bright up your world, I would always show it to you, I would do so. I've always been thinking, I've always been dreaming...

Fated:
But everything seems to be changed. What happened? Is this meaning that I will never get together with you? Nothing happened, just that the way I see things changed all of a sudden. But why is this happening? Why so sudden? Why now? Does this mean that, it's already meant to be that be together with you, holding your hands tight, letting you lay on my shoulder, is all really just fantasy? Is it all fated from the start?...

Forever Debt ♥

It's been a long time since my last update. Well, life was ordinary these days.
Teacher gave us assignments, 3 in a row. Wth, seriously? Ugh. First time ever in my life I felt this stress. Anyway, this is not the main topic.

Hmm, I guess I must have did something really really bad to you, in my last life. They call it Karma. And in this life, I pay back. To think of after such a long time, after everything, I thought it ends, I thought I finally got over it. But somehow, I still have some feelings left in me. Not love, just, some weird feelings. Like admire? It's like I owe you something, I still owe you something. It's like a river without an end. How do I end this? It's like forever debt, can never pay finish. To think of how you treated me, I still have this feeling left inside me? Damn !

Guess I really owe you something, that I can never clear the debt. I can't imagine..
I know, I feel deep in you before, but, it already ended. Ended...
The little feelings left in me, I must get rid of it ! UGH ! What have I done to you in my last life? Tell me ! Tell me ! Why can you make me suffer like this?! How am I suppose to clear you in my world?! I don't hate you, you're still my friend, but there is something left in me, I can't see you as my friend. But, what I see you as? I don't love you, so what is it? What a mystery, what kind of debt I have to pay?

I must get over this, is a must ! The little feelings left, I must get rid of it.

♥Lmw'

Poison or Aspirin ♥

Someone have been complaining lately that I've been dumping my blog aside for too long, sorry. Well, takes a lot of time for me to think of what to post. So finally, I came out with something.

Some says 'Love hurts'. But still, everyone is dying for it. Why? Because at the same time, love makes people happy. So, is love poison, or medicine? I think it depends on your perspective towards it.

Loving someone could be painful. I've suffer from these pain for quite a time. And now, the pain is getting lesser, and lesser. What actually happened? I didn't get over the pain, I got used to it...

But, does the pain worth it? The scars, is that all I wanted? Worth it or not, I don't know. I'm an idiot. When it comes to love, I never know how to hold back, I give everything I can, I dive in the love river. And that's the reason, even a single scratch, feels like a stab. 

Sometimes I wonder, if I don't tell you how much I care about you, will you be able to feel it? Maybe not. 

Sometimes I thought, I don't deserve someone like you, because you're just, too perfect for me... 

I don't think myself good enough, I have a lot of flaws, and I know, I'm not the kind of guy you wanted...

Love needs courage, determination, needs confidence. And out of these, the only one I lack of is confidence. I've always thinking that you deserve someone better, thinking how bad myself is, thinking what I can't do for you instead of what I'm capable to. What is that you wanted? Is it inside me? Am I a right match for you? I know I won't get the answer so soon. 

Once, I had a problem. I tried to find the answer. Yet, I face more problems. I'm tired of finding all the answers. I thought of giving up. I locked my door. I feel better. But avoiding problems would never get them solved. I need a rest for now. The next time, I will definitely get the answers ! 

Last... 

难道，好朋友，终究，也只能是朋友吗？

♥Lmw'

Tough New Year ♥

Year by year, every year, Chinese New Year, should be very happy. Family reunion, traffic jam on the way back to home town, fireworks and laughter, it's everywhere. For me, my Chinese New Year, it's great, yet tough...

I missed you everyday, more, and more, endlessly. There is no limit, it won't stop. I will only go deeper. It's like falling down an endless hole. I miss you... 

Controlled myself not to text you during the holiday, so that you can spend more time with your family. Every night, standing on the balcony, looking at the stars, and asked, how are you doing? Wished you all the best in everything. Hope you didn't get hurt playing fireworks you clumsy girl. Did everyday of your's filled with joy? I'm looking forward to see your smile once school reopen. 

Should I text you? I'm afraid that you'll be busy, and I'll interrupt what you doing. 

Dear heart, just a week, is okay. Just leave some scar, it worth it, because it's for you ;)

Well, it's very late now. Time to talk to the moon and stars about you. Bye.

♥Lmw'

s'Okay ♥

-This post is very secret. In order to read this post, ask permission from admin- 

♥Lmw'

Thought That Kills ♥

Hey, it's been a very very long time since my last update I suppose. There is someone out there, looking forward to my stories ehh. You know who you are :P
Hmm, but too bad, I'm not going to tell the whole stories, will just express my feelings. So sorry yar, cause, I don't feel like telling anyone about it.

There was once, I thought of giving you up. Why? Because that I thought I'm not good enough for you. You're perfect in my eyes, but me? I'm not even good. I thought that I can't match you well. And because of that, I emo-ed, for a whole day. A whole day, I keep smiling, try to laugh and joke around, draw and stuffs, just to cover what is underneath my mind. My heart, is crying, is bleeding, it's hurt. Is that the reason, they called 'Bleeding Love'? It hurts until that when I see your face, I wanna cry. They say sweet things will make your mood better, but, that ice cream and chocolate, somehow tasted bitter. Nothing was sweet that time. How dead I've been, I forgot. Pretty sure that I look so so down when I saw your face. After all I'm still not strong and tough enough to let go this love...
It's not that I don't stand a chance, is that, I think that I'm not good enough for you...

But then, someone comforted me, brought me back to life, like an angel. She told me a lot of meaningful things, pulled me up from hell. Thanks a lot. Think about it, I ain't someone that would give up so easily on someone I loved so much. What happened? I don't know. And I don't care now. I'm not going to give up. 'Just because it burns, doesn't mean you gonna die. You gonna get up and try - PINK'
If I give up, I will never have a chance. But if I keep going, there will still be chances. Even there is only 2%, I will still hold on. Even it hurts, I will still hold on. Even it kills, I will still hold on... All of these, just because I love you. I believe one day, you will feel my love. Regardless of your reply, as long as you feel how much feelings I put in it, as long as you feel it, then it's enough.
But, please allow me, to be greedy. I wanted your love, and that's all I want from you. If you think you are not even good to be loved, then you're wrong. In my eyes, you're just more than perfect. You're perfect...

Expressed my feelings, like finally. And that's all for now. See ya again soon bloggie ;)

♥Lmw'