Repeat ♥

I'm starting to afraid, the same thing will happen again, the thing that happened... What's wrong? What's going on? Ugh.. 

Let it go naturally, don't need to put any effort, but if there is no effort, the likelihood of it to come true will be even lesser. Or is it I work too hard? Sigh, there are always things I don't understand. I'm insensitive. I think you feel the same, but is it really how I think? Deep inside you, do you thought the same also? Sigh, is it the same thing gonna happen once again? I'm certainly giving pressure... How can I learn to care less, but not totally ignore it? I wanted love not to be my first priority in my life. There are so many things out there, and love is at least 80% to me. Stupid huh. But this is me, I don't think this part of me will change soon. Maybe in 5 years, I won't see love as my priority again? Who knows. Seriously, they say 'love need courage', yea, you need a lot of courage to love, to endure the pain, to accept failure, and finally, to give everything without wishing anything in return. What is love, and why we need love? Why I will feel sad often because of love? I still don't get it, love... I told you that I'll stay happy, won't think too much, won't expect too much, but, I think I failed, I'm sorry. Maybe in few weeks, I'll get use to this situation. Maybe... It's always me that think too much, I wonder what my brain is made of, full of imaginations, false hopes, wrong assumption, idiot... It's really not easy to find a lifetime partner. All I wanna do is love right. Let it go naturally, don't need to put any effort, in the end, it will slip away, you can't just let it go naturally if you cared you know. It doesn't work that way. It's like baking cookies, you need to prepare a good dough from good flour, egg, and everything. Maybe add some chocolate chips if you like chocolate, some raisins, some cinnamon, just kidding, cinnamon doesn't goes with everything. After that, a shape that you desire. And now, most importantly, the duration and the temperature. You can't bake too long, or too short in time, you can't use too high, or too low in temperature, it must be exactly the right temperature and duration in order to come out with an excellent cookie and finally, you get to enjoy. You don't let it go naturally, you put enough amount of effort, not too much, not too less. It's not easy, but I just don't want to stop trying. I would give my everything. Making a good dough, baking a good cookie without a recipe is extremely hard, but that won't stop me from trying. I fail, I will try again, and again, until I out of ingredients, and I'll get some in the market, until I'm out of cash. I don't wanna let it go naturally, but I would try to put less effort than previous, I don't wanna ruin this friendship. I want it to blossom into love, someday in the future, I want to see it blossom...

♥Lmw'

Re:慧慧的心02092013 ♥

多少年了？你坚持了那么久，到头来得到的是什么？一颗伤痕累累的心，一堆充满希望的绝望，一些些错过的人。到底值得吗？你那么痴心，痴情，可是你自己最清楚的，这一切都是徒劳的，你比谁都清楚。你说放不下，是因为你还没遇见可以让你放开他的人。即使你遇见了，你也看不见，你已经伤得就连路都看不清了，更何况是看人？路过的人很想把跌到的你牵起来，你却不领情，一直在等待那个他，希望他能扶你一把。你还没死去，你的心还在跳，虽然是伤痕累累，不过你还是可以站起来的。不要再靠他了，不要再等他了。如果要，你就站起来找他，有什么想说，就说，这是你可以放开他的方法。不要骗自己，一路以来你都放不开的，告诉我们你已经慢慢放下是为了不让我们担心吧。你的好意，心领了。我们认识不久，不过你已经帮了我很多很多忙。在我低潮的时候，你总会帮助我，现在，是时候到我来帮你了。若你没有勇气找他，我给你勇气，我为你加油，我借你我的肩膀，我让你有个依靠，直到你真真的能放下他，直到你的眼泪不是在为他而落。只有面对你的过去，只有战胜你的过去，你才能放下他，而不是找到对的人才可以放下的。我也经历过的。没有别人能让你放下一个人，只有你自己能。加油，慧慧的心！你很坚强，比我还要坚强，如果我可以做到，你也一定可以！有事的话，找人谈谈，不要自己一个躲着想多多。暴风雨时，总有个地方可以遮遮雨，挡挡风，可是那地方不会动，即使它在意你，也不会去你那边，只有你自己才可以走去找那避风港。避风港在哪儿？问你自己吧，因为每个人的避风港都不一样，只要让你觉得安全，觉得舒服，那怕是那么一点点的温柔，也可以算是你的避风港。那点温柔，已经在燃烧了，在等待着，慧慧的心，去找吧，你的避风港！

♥Lmw'

The End, The Beginning ♥

It's been so long, I haven't been updating my blog. My blog was always about love, about you, nothing more, but love story of mine. Once, I started writing my love story, and now, I think it comes to an end.

*play the song Lawson - Standing In The Dark http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsbPkZPKEuY

This guy met the girl he loved, he never thought of anything, but keep giving everything he can, just trying to get her love, make her feel the same way. After some time, this guy started to doubt, to question, why is it everything he did not touching her? What's wrong? He started to changed, become more depressed, totally lost himself. Somehow, he still never figure out what's going wrong.
One day, this guy finally figured out what's wrong, thanks to his friend that always tell him about life perspectives and open up his mind, wake him from his dream and make him face the reality. He finally see wider, clearer. It's him, that's the problem. Problem never exist, he created them. Things were going well, until he start to doubt himself, doubt everything around him, then he changed, that makes everything around it changed. He never realise why is everything around it changing, however, it is his perspective and him that changed. Luckily, he realised it. So, what's wrong? What he thought was getting his love one his girlfriend, wanting to hold her, wanting to get her, and there, it went wrong. He never love her, he love himself, he is so selfish, he is the worst. Love her doesn't mean to get her, love her is to make her happy, do the best to make her happy. That guy gave his everything to protect her, over protective. Little did he know, protection is not what she needs. He don't even know what she needs at the first place, he don't understand her. He never aimed to make her happy, he aimed to get her, what a fool. He backed off, decided to do what's the best for her, do things that will make her comfortable, make her happy, make her smile. And then, he putted her down, he got over it.
After not even a week, there was a stranger that called him up. The stranger knew his name, his school, and his crush. The stranger told him that his crush was his friend. He told him that he is giving pressure to her, she felt bothered. The stranger requested him to change the way he treat her, don't pressure her. Yea, he already gave up, he already put down, yet he feels hurt. Old wounds, it doesn't heal so soon. Backing off, this is the way he can show his love, and slowly, time will wash away the feelings, what remains will be only black and white memories, just simply memories, nothing else, no love, no feel. What the stranger did, that is called love, caring, suitable level of protection. Stranger, I admire you, thanks for calling me up to tell me about her feelings, thank you.
Not every story has a happy ending, but through all these stories, I get to learn new stuffs, new things, and grow up.
It's the end of the story, the beginning of a new story or is it just to-be-continue?

♥Lmw'

Path To The End ♥

Everything, needs to have an ending, no matter it's the ending you desire, or the one that is worst for you. After all, ourself, is the one who choose, how it ends. Of course, ending in the way you desire, is way more tougher. So, are you determine enough to keep holding on and going? Wish you all, those who have a goal, good luck. As for me, I've choose an easier path, to end it.

I think, now should be the time to end this quick, before I get deeper and deeper, finally unable to breath. I'll try to forget you, my love one. I'll see you as my friend, my love one. I'll never ever dream about getting with you again, my love one.

Trying to forget my love one, it's like rewinding the memories. I'm walking backwards, looking at how happy I were when you're around, all the things you've said to me, how much I've ever cared about you, all the things I precious about you... Looking back at these, it makes me sad. Forgetting you as my love one, but can't forget that how much I loved you; pretending that I don't care about you, but can't help caring about you, it has became a habit; trying to moved my eyes off you, but can't control myself from peeking at you. Why? Why must it ends like this? I wanted to let go, but I'm not willing to, I want a reason to move on, to reach my goal, to reach you, but I can't find it everywhere. Can you give me that reason, before I threw away everything? Can you, please? If you feel the same for me, please, do me a favour, please, give me a reason, even maybe for you, the reason weight a feather, but for me, it worth my life...

Please...

♥Lmw'

Wished, Dreamed, Fated ♥

Wished:
Ever since I fell for you, I only go deeper and deeper. Every moment, I wanted to see you, wanted to talk with you. I like school, because there is the place that I'll have the chance to meet you, and talk to you. I like school, because there is the place, I can spend most of my time with you. I like school, because I love you. And as I fall even deeper, I can't turn back. Everything I see, everything in my mind, is you. My brain is always occupied by you. And then I wish, you would be my girl, you would be my dream, you would be my one and only...

Dreamed:
I've always been thinking, if I have an opportunity to hold you tight, I would do so, and hold you as tight as possible, leave no gap between our fingers, nothing can pass through, not even air. I've always been thinking, if I have an opportunity to let you stay in my heart, I would do so, and let you feel the warmness I can give to you when you're cold, the cool wind blowing when you're hot, I would do so. I've always been thinking, if I have an opportunity to be there when you need someone, I would do so, and let you lay on my shoulder and rest, although it's still stiff, but it will hold your head no matter how heavy it is, no matter how long you need, I would do so. I've always been thinking, if I have a smile that will bright up your world, I would always show it to you, I would do so. I've always been thinking, I've always been dreaming...

Fated:
But everything seems to be changed. What happened? Is this meaning that I will never get together with you? Nothing happened, just that the way I see things changed all of a sudden. But why is this happening? Why so sudden? Why now? Does this mean that, it's already meant to be that be together with you, holding your hands tight, letting you lay on my shoulder, is all really just fantasy? Is it all fated from the start?...

Forever Debt ♥

It's been a long time since my last update. Well, life was ordinary these days.
Teacher gave us assignments, 3 in a row. Wth, seriously? Ugh. First time ever in my life I felt this stress. Anyway, this is not the main topic.

Hmm, I guess I must have did something really really bad to you, in my last life. They call it Karma. And in this life, I pay back. To think of after such a long time, after everything, I thought it ends, I thought I finally got over it. But somehow, I still have some feelings left in me. Not love, just, some weird feelings. Like admire? It's like I owe you something, I still owe you something. It's like a river without an end. How do I end this? It's like forever debt, can never pay finish. To think of how you treated me, I still have this feeling left inside me? Damn !

Guess I really owe you something, that I can never clear the debt. I can't imagine..
I know, I feel deep in you before, but, it already ended. Ended...
The little feelings left in me, I must get rid of it ! UGH ! What have I done to you in my last life? Tell me ! Tell me ! Why can you make me suffer like this?! How am I suppose to clear you in my world?! I don't hate you, you're still my friend, but there is something left in me, I can't see you as my friend. But, what I see you as? I don't love you, so what is it? What a mystery, what kind of debt I have to pay?

I must get over this, is a must ! The little feelings left, I must get rid of it.

♥Lmw'

Poison or Aspirin ♥

Someone have been complaining lately that I've been dumping my blog aside for too long, sorry. Well, takes a lot of time for me to think of what to post. So finally, I came out with something.

Some says 'Love hurts'. But still, everyone is dying for it. Why? Because at the same time, love makes people happy. So, is love poison, or medicine? I think it depends on your perspective towards it.

Loving someone could be painful. I've suffer from these pain for quite a time. And now, the pain is getting lesser, and lesser. What actually happened? I didn't get over the pain, I got used to it...

But, does the pain worth it? The scars, is that all I wanted? Worth it or not, I don't know. I'm an idiot. When it comes to love, I never know how to hold back, I give everything I can, I dive in the love river. And that's the reason, even a single scratch, feels like a stab. 

Sometimes I wonder, if I don't tell you how much I care about you, will you be able to feel it? Maybe not. 

Sometimes I thought, I don't deserve someone like you, because you're just, too perfect for me... 

I don't think myself good enough, I have a lot of flaws, and I know, I'm not the kind of guy you wanted...

Love needs courage, determination, needs confidence. And out of these, the only one I lack of is confidence. I've always thinking that you deserve someone better, thinking how bad myself is, thinking what I can't do for you instead of what I'm capable to. What is that you wanted? Is it inside me? Am I a right match for you? I know I won't get the answer so soon. 

Once, I had a problem. I tried to find the answer. Yet, I face more problems. I'm tired of finding all the answers. I thought of giving up. I locked my door. I feel better. But avoiding problems would never get them solved. I need a rest for now. The next time, I will definitely get the answers ! 

Last... 

难道，好朋友，终究，也只能是朋友吗？

♥Lmw'

Tough New Year ♥

Year by year, every year, Chinese New Year, should be very happy. Family reunion, traffic jam on the way back to home town, fireworks and laughter, it's everywhere. For me, my Chinese New Year, it's great, yet tough...

I missed you everyday, more, and more, endlessly. There is no limit, it won't stop. I will only go deeper. It's like falling down an endless hole. I miss you... 

Controlled myself not to text you during the holiday, so that you can spend more time with your family. Every night, standing on the balcony, looking at the stars, and asked, how are you doing? Wished you all the best in everything. Hope you didn't get hurt playing fireworks you clumsy girl. Did everyday of your's filled with joy? I'm looking forward to see your smile once school reopen. 

Should I text you? I'm afraid that you'll be busy, and I'll interrupt what you doing. 

Dear heart, just a week, is okay. Just leave some scar, it worth it, because it's for you ;)

Well, it's very late now. Time to talk to the moon and stars about you. Bye.

♥Lmw'

s'Okay ♥

-This post is very secret. In order to read this post, ask permission from admin- 

♥Lmw'

Thought That Kills ♥

Hey, it's been a very very long time since my last update I suppose. There is someone out there, looking forward to my stories ehh. You know who you are :P
Hmm, but too bad, I'm not going to tell the whole stories, will just express my feelings. So sorry yar, cause, I don't feel like telling anyone about it.

There was once, I thought of giving you up. Why? Because that I thought I'm not good enough for you. You're perfect in my eyes, but me? I'm not even good. I thought that I can't match you well. And because of that, I emo-ed, for a whole day. A whole day, I keep smiling, try to laugh and joke around, draw and stuffs, just to cover what is underneath my mind. My heart, is crying, is bleeding, it's hurt. Is that the reason, they called 'Bleeding Love'? It hurts until that when I see your face, I wanna cry. They say sweet things will make your mood better, but, that ice cream and chocolate, somehow tasted bitter. Nothing was sweet that time. How dead I've been, I forgot. Pretty sure that I look so so down when I saw your face. After all I'm still not strong and tough enough to let go this love...
It's not that I don't stand a chance, is that, I think that I'm not good enough for you...

But then, someone comforted me, brought me back to life, like an angel. She told me a lot of meaningful things, pulled me up from hell. Thanks a lot. Think about it, I ain't someone that would give up so easily on someone I loved so much. What happened? I don't know. And I don't care now. I'm not going to give up. 'Just because it burns, doesn't mean you gonna die. You gonna get up and try - PINK'
If I give up, I will never have a chance. But if I keep going, there will still be chances. Even there is only 2%, I will still hold on. Even it hurts, I will still hold on. Even it kills, I will still hold on... All of these, just because I love you. I believe one day, you will feel my love. Regardless of your reply, as long as you feel how much feelings I put in it, as long as you feel it, then it's enough.
But, please allow me, to be greedy. I wanted your love, and that's all I want from you. If you think you are not even good to be loved, then you're wrong. In my eyes, you're just more than perfect. You're perfect...

Expressed my feelings, like finally. And that's all for now. See ya again soon bloggie ;)

♥Lmw'

Before The World Ends ♥

I know, it is odd to say I love you. I might not even know you well enough, but I know myself, I know myself, my heart. Words might lie, but heart don't. If there is a thing, that can see through someone's mind, use it on me, and you will see, my mind is always full of you. It actually took me quite a lot of courage to tell you that, but I feel happy after that, because, finally, I told you. I don't need to keep it to myself anymore. And now, you will know that, I treated you good, not because of you are my friend, is because you are someone special to me. Well, if the world ends tomorrow, I might not be able to see you again, but my love for you will still goes on, even if there is no tomorrow.

Sometimes I smile for no reason, like an idiot. People might laugh at me. But, little do they know, the reason I smile for no reason, is you. :3

See, what have you done to my life? You gonna seriously pay for it I tell you. I will make you feel the same way I feel for you, make you smile for no reason because of me, make you think of me every night before you go to bed, make you wanna hug me when you feel cold, make you wanna lean on my shoulder when you feel sleepy, and make you love me, like no others before.

But in fact, I'm still very afraid to tell you how much I love you. I hope you can feel it, with your heart. I'll always be here, waiting, for you, for your answer. ♥

♥Lmw'

Truth Behind Emoness ♥

Why? If only I realise sooner, that the truth behind my emoness, if only I realise earlier, I won't feel so bad, my life would be better :(
It's me, myself that make myself emo :(

It was always me, think of all the nonsense, think of all the stupid things, like an idiot. I'm so sorry my friend, my deepest my apologise to all of you :(
I worry too much perhaps. Ugh.
Other than apologising, I have no idea what to say. Sorry :(

♥Lmw'

Deep Thought Mood ♥

Just went through some really really deep thought today. Hmm, weird, so this is what in my mind? I don't know how to simply it, or just say what happened. Simple thing, complicated feelings.

I planned on telling you my feelings, how much I need you, how much I love you. But somehow, I feel like, it will be better, if I keep it to myself, not letting you know, not telling you. It's not that I don't love you any more, just that, I don't have confident in myself. Way too many better guys out there. 

Stay as friend, I think it would be better for you. Although it might be really hurt for me, but as long as the decision is good for you, it worth every single pain, single blood, single suffer. 

Still, I hope that I will be that guy, your one and only. 

♥Lmw'

You're The Killer ♥

I forgot it's been how long, since my last update on my blog. Since blog is my place to tell everything that's in my mind.

Today, should be a really really happy day. Everything went well, until that sentence came out from you. The moment you said that, you just killed me. The entire day, I tried my best to be myself, be the usual me, but, I can't. I can't do random thingy, I can't think of anything to say, I can't think of anything, other than the sentence you just said. But I bet you don't know how your words can hurt me, hmm..
But I got better, and better after that. Thanks a lot, my sister, if it wasn't you, how would my day be?
You're just like an angel to me, even though you don't know how to comfort a person. But guess what? Best part of a listener : 'You don't need to comfort a person to make that person feel better'. You're that kind of listener to me. It might make you feel bad for not comforting me, but telling you everything makes me feel better. Kinda funny when I saw you trying really really hard to comfort me. Anyway, thanks, I appreciate your try. Well, tell you the truth, chance of success to comfort me, is nearly 0. :P
Thanks for accompanying me until so late at night sis, hope you can wake up tomorrow for your tuition :D

Guess I need to work on my attitude and emotions.

♥Lmw'

Long Awaited ♥

Hey bloggie ! People been asking what happened to you lately, never have any updates. Sorry, just too lazy to. Hehes, sorry bloggie :3

Well, nothing special happened these past dayssssss, or weeksss. Just today, something happened. But I won't go long for this, cause I don't really know how to bring this into words. So, let's get it started then :)

So, anyone noticed that I got really really emo for a period of time in school ? Well, someone just told me something that really really hurt me, just like a knife, stab through my heart. Then, I started to wonder, what if she choose other guys? Of course, I felt really really sad for it. But I know I can't do a thing if I'm not her right one. Even though, I can't imagine that if she really fall for a guy, that is not me. Hmm, I wonder, how will my life be? It will change, definitely, but how would it be? I guess, it will rain, everyday.

A short post for today, I'm too lazy, sorry bloggie :3

♥Lmw'